Ending Gun Violence

Let’s start with the obvious -- YOU CAN’T. When politicians and gun haters start talking about ending gun violence, I just want to smack them. Why don’t we outlaw anger and hatred, that should solve the problem, right? Maybe we could get giant electromagnets and wave them over everyone’s houses. This would pull all the metal objects out and we could sift through the rubble and get all the guns. This would allow us to systematically rid the entire country of all guns. Oh, wait! There’s that whole “right to bear arms crap.” Damn!

So, why did people need to bear arms in the first place? I know this one! It was because the folks that founded this country ended up fighting their own government for control of this place and they wanted to make sure that if this government got out of control, people would have the means to overthrow it. Well, bad news because our government got way out of control a long time ago and we didn’t overthrow it. Now, they’ve got way bigger guns than us private citizens will ever have.

Far from making automatic weapons illegal, we should legalize tanks and antiaircraft missiles. Our only hope now is that the military will turn on the leadership if they try to suppress us with military force.

What about hunters, you say? Good point. I guess when this country was founded, if you wanted meat, you either had to raise it or shoot it. Safeway, Kroger and Piggly Wiggly didn’t come until much later. Now, if you need to shoot your next meal, you probably live in Canada anyway. I guess you don’t really need a gun for that these days.

Of course, shooting stuff is fun. Even if it’s just a paper target, putting a hole in something from 50 yards away is kinda cool. That’s probably the real reason that gun lovers want to keep their guns, but they won’t say it because they don’t want to sound like a nut job.

Now, if you happen to be an actual nut job that wants to do some damage with your gun, you will probably figure out a way to make that happen. Nut jobs have the distinct advantage of not caring about rules. For example, if you were a nut job, you could start with just a baseball bat that you could get at Play It Again Sports real cheap. Then, you could bash some guy over the head with it and take their gun. See, this wouldn’t bother you because you are a nut job. No pesky law is going to stand in your way.

So in conclusion, the best way to end gun violence is to eliminate nut jobs. Maybe we could invent giant electromagnets that just pick them up. We could wave them over the whole country and just send all the nut jobs to Wyoming. We’d only need to relocate a few non-nut jobs people from there.

I think the Charlton Heston and all his gun toting NRA big mouths are dickheads, but that doesn’t make them completely wrong. I think that Obama and everyone else who whines about guns every time a nut job shoots up some place are dickheads too, but not completely wrong. Once again, complex problems rarely have simple solutions that don’t involve mass murder. Given that mass murder is the only simple solution, maybe it’s a good idea to keep the guns around for now.